Finished Products

New from the makers of Foaming Hand Soap…

Broken-in sneakers! The tongues are frayed, the soles are worn smooth, the laces are about to snap, several eyelets are missing. Why enjoy something functional, when you can have the same product with its best features conveniently removed? Continue reading »

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Commercial script

Times are tough, people. Money is tight. In this downward economy, publishers can’t be expected to shell out for endless ads and marketing campaigns. These days, a writer has to “go rogue” so to speak. My self-promotion campaign begins here.

ANNOUNCER: Can’t find a book worth reading?	Person sits before pile of books, grabbing one after another, throwing them rapidly over alternate shoulders in disgust and confusion.
Wait! Now there’s an answer!	Close up of person holding a match or lighter to a classic like War & Peace or something. Person stops and looks to camera hopefully, as if hearing the announcer.
Javascotia!	Shot of Javascotia.
The London Times calls it, “Fresh, funny, and revealing.” The Big Issue! says: “accomplished, engaging.” The author’s mother says, “Better than Tolstoy!”	Graphics of newspapers, and quoted text scrolling by.
Javascotia is the story of an American living in Scotland doing market research in the beverage industry—specifically, coffee.But, wait! It’s much more than that!	Shot of me dressed as stereotypical American tourist with flag T-shirt, camera hanging from neck, fanny pack, clutching map.
[Litany of plot points, made to seem as exciting as possible]
How much would you expect to pay for a book like this? $100? $200? Five hundred dollars?!	Close up of hands counting off bills into a pile.
You easily could pay that much for a book [soft aside] —if it was gold-plated.	Shot of gold-plated book. [Note to self: security at local pawn shop--tight?]
But act now, and you can receive Javascotia for the low, low price of only £9.99.	Graphic of £9.99.
[sound effect of tires screeching.]ANNOUNCER: Wait a minute!	Close-up of person’s face, confused, holding dollar bills and a calculator. Person throws dollars in the air in utter despondance, clutches hair, rends garments.
Pounds? !
Different announcer, calm, slower, clear, like an educational film reel narrator: Pounds sterling is a unit of currency in the United Kingdom.	Graphics and images pertaining. Map of UK with arrow blinking. Big Ben. Fish and chips.
Right now a pound is worth about $1.50.	Math graphics.
ANNOUNCER: I know what you’re thinking: “What does this mean for me? How can I, having no pounds, possibly get Javascotia?”	Person wearing accountant’s visor, sighs hopelessly, frowns, then wipes desk clear of adding machine, stacks of paper, wallet, abacus, ashtray, coffee.
Just charge it!	Close up of hand snapping a VISA card down on the cleared desk.
Your bank or lending institution will convert the cost for you.	Film of monkeys at computers or adding machines.
	[Person close-up.] WOW! Thank you, technological age!
So act now. Javascotia is available in the new trade paper edition. It’s smaller.	Shot of trade paper, compared to hardback.
It’s cheaper. It smells better.	Person sniffing book.
It’s more absorbent than ever.	Person wiping up spill with book.
So don’t delay. Buy Javascotia today!
[SFX crickets chirping, hollow winds blow]	Shot of me at table with stacks of books, head resting on hand, doing pen tricks with one hand.

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2009 was the year of the short story

So says The Guardian. Let me just say up front that most of my posts will be in response to The Guardian Books page. So just get used to that right now. I love the section. I wish we had a U.S. equivalent. Sure, NYT book reviews are astute, but does the NYT publish poems of the day, do they question the book industry and its sometimes absurd practices? Do they have posts from top writers, musing on anything they like, often venting unpopular opinions that, again, may take editors, publishers, reviewers, readers, and authors themselves to task? No, the NYT does not; it is a big cog in the literary PR machine.

So now that that’s settled. As an American author with a book published in the UK, I find this fascinating:

In the US it’s commonplace for short story writers to get a deal for their first collection only on the proviso that a novel follows, a business practice that casts short story-writing as apprentice work. In the UK it’s worse still, with story collections treated like dirty secrets to be snuck out in disguise…

I’ve pitched an MS of short stories to my London agent. She will not even read it. To her, the market value is so close to zero, it’s not even worth her time. That’s incredibly disheartening for an author. Of course, it may be that the stories stink; I haven’t ruled out that possibility. I would have to agree that when it comes to the novel market, the tail is wagging the dog. I’m focusing on Novel #2 now. Why? Because at least I can do something with it. The novel market feels a little less saturated; due to the time and effort, and the necessity for sustained quality, it is a little harder to throw one’s literary hat in the ring. It seems like short story writing has become a hobby for a lot of dabblers. Maybe that’s always been the case. Oh, is that elitism showing through? Somebody alert the GOP.

Debating whether to make an ass of myself in the comments section.

2009 was the year of the short story | Books | guardian.co.uk

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