Today at 6:10

Today at 6:10 EST, the landmark 100 billionth advertisement aired using the implication of coitus to sell a product that has little to no bearing on the performance of the sexual act nor on the likeliness of the sexual act occurring. The spot, which ran on ESPN during a college basketball game, was for Geico Insurance. In it a jolly pig had a broken windshield replaced faster than a man using another insurance company, and used the extra time to speed away on a jetski with a leggy, busty blond clinging to him amorously. The pig, donning sunglasses and a life vest, wore a sly grin. The Geico logo appeared over the wind-blown couple racing towards a cabin on the shore.

Since 1712, sex has been used to burnish the image of products: poultices, shredded beets, yarn, shoe polish, quack medical services, corrective footwear, baguettes, rickshaws, baskets, hair cream, astringents, leather goods, crockery, legal counsel, firearms, bodices, floor wax, saloons, wood stoves, imported oils, lanterns, muskets, pelts, wagon wheels, bonnets, meat cleavers, pesticides, hair removal potions, hair growth potions, bail bonding, sandals, telegraphs, encyclopedia sets, bibles, corrective eyewear, speech lessons, back braces, books, magazines, newspapers, household products, frozen dinners, cars, trucks, motorcycles, tricycles, wagons,  lumber, power tools, trampolines, mattresses, china, carpet, airlines, coffee, window insulation, rain gutters, snow tires, fabric softener, and most recently auto insurance.

On Madison Avenue in New York City, locus of the industry, advertisers did not observe the occasion. They rode home in commuter trains silently contemplating their withered, neglected genitalia and the wisdom of their career choice.